Vaudeville

Kingdom of the blind.

Hello everybody. It’s me- your favourite psychotic curmudgeon, THE VAUDEViLLIAN. Check out this interesting tidbit I just received from VAUDEViLLE STALWART ‘ONE MINUTE WANDA’:

Eleven-year-old James got a huge shock when he received a handwritten letter from the Chancellor, Gordon Brown.
In his report, James tells us why the politician wrote to him …

“Four years ago I had an accident at a supermarket. A bottle fell on the floor and glass flew up and hit my eye… Now I have an artificial eye.
Recently I was bullied quite badly.

They told me they were going to steal my false eye and smash it on the ground. They even burned me with cigarettes.

My mum could see that I was going through a hard time and she wrote to Gordon Brown telling him what had happened to me.

I was so shocked when I got a handwritten letter from the Chancellor.
He told me that having an artificial eye never stopped him from doing anything and has made absolutely no difference to him.
It made me feel very happy, I’ve never had a letter from someone that important before.
And it’s made me think that I can achieve anything I want to in life.”
James, 11, Halifax

(full version at: news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/newsid_4410000/newsid_4417600/4417641.stm

Well I never did. Gordon has a GLASS EYE! I couldn’t tell. It’s certainly a lot more convincing than the one fitted to ‘Rumpole Of The Bailey’. Who sadly does not exist, or he could use his brilliant barristering skills to defend that poor sod languishing in Guantanamo, what Gordon’s turned his back on because he doesn’t want to release mitigating evidence that the blokes confession may have been extracted using torture. No mention of being burned with cigarrettes but he does speak of having his knackers slashed at…

Yes of course it’s inspiring for this lad James to hear from a powerful man who is a cyclops like himself. Too bad it’s the same bugger who is presiding over a country that sanctions torture. Who knows, maybe those UK sponsored inquisitors will succeed in ‘creating’ more one-eyed people, who if they do ever get out of chokey, can in turn be inspired in life by the very man who presides over the social divides that create feral little bastards who assault disabled people for kicks.

If only James’s Mum had written to Columbo instead…he’d have gotten to the truth!

What all of this has to do with VAUDEVILLE, I cannot say…

Love and kisses and electric shocks to your fanny you terrorist cow,

THE VAUDEVILLIAN

Hi Vaudeville acolytes.

I was thinking about KARMA today. That complex, much misunderstood notion of cosmic justice, summarized in the desirable- if unprovable- maxim : “what goes around, comes around”. You know, like in ‘My name is Earl’.

I read with interest Sharon Stone’s comments about the earthquake in China being possibly a result of their ‘bad karma’, after what the Chinese have done to Tibet. She was particularly offended as she is a close personal chum of the Dali Lama. As I am myself. (You know, I don’t know how many truly close friends its possible for one person to have, but that guy must be stretching himself. With all these millionaire buddies, it’s a true miracle he has any room left in his quota for the common people.)

Anyway, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I have long harboured a deep, sick desire, to tie up Sharon Stone, dress her in a gimp suit and cover her with marmalade, while a huge anteater licks at her with his long, long snout.

I suppose most people feel the same way.

America has done some pretty rotten things to the world over the years, I think we can all agree. So perhaps this stalker urge I’ve been suppressing, is in fact the forces of Karma, acting through me. If Karma wants to dismember the Chinese proles for what it’s leaders have done, why not also send the likes of me, to sexually assault America’s movie stars-to get back at George Bush for the invasion of Iraq? Makes perfect sense to me.

Who says misogyny can’t be a force for good!?!

Perhaps I am misinterpreting the sutures. After all, some of my best friends are Buddhists. But they are also ENGLISH. And the RAJ did some awful stuff in India. So it seems only right, that I should machine gun the lot of them in the willy, in vengeance for the Amritsar massacre, the execution of Mangal Pandey and, a bit more recently, the indignities heaped upon Shilpa Shetty. In fact, this horrific massacre of my Llama loving chums, could be interpreted as a noble attempt on the part of the people of England, to atone for the evil of Jade Goody.

It’s my duty, as an agent of Karma. Trouble is, what horrors will karma do, in turn, to ME for being so horrible? Seems Karma is a lot like the Godfather movies- the cycle of bloodletting never ends. Also, as regards reincarnation-

“just when I think I’m out of the cycle of life- they pull me back in!”

Oh and by the way. A lot has been said about the Dali Llama’s alleged homophobia this week. Well, he stumbled into ‘H20 Zone’ in Manchester’s Village this weekend. Apparently he mistook the gaggle of shaven headed men cuing up, for monks, and the popular cruising sauna for a temple of some kind.

Suffice to say that the his holiness has wiped the Karmic slate clean.

Well, that’s enough theology for one day.

Your humble servant of ‘god’,

the VAUDEVILLIAN.