Vaudeville

Hi Vaudeville acolytes.

I was thinking about KARMA today. That complex, much misunderstood notion of cosmic justice, summarized in the desirable- if unprovable- maxim : “what goes around, comes around”. You know, like in ‘My name is Earl’.

I read with interest Sharon Stone’s comments about the earthquake in China being possibly a result of their ‘bad karma’, after what the Chinese have done to Tibet. She was particularly offended as she is a close personal chum of the Dali Lama. As I am myself. (You know, I don’t know how many truly close friends its possible for one person to have, but that guy must be stretching himself. With all these millionaire buddies, it’s a true miracle he has any room left in his quota for the common people.)

Anyway, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I have long harboured a deep, sick desire, to tie up Sharon Stone, dress her in a gimp suit and cover her with marmalade, while a huge anteater licks at her with his long, long snout.

I suppose most people feel the same way.

America has done some pretty rotten things to the world over the years, I think we can all agree. So perhaps this stalker urge I’ve been suppressing, is in fact the forces of Karma, acting through me. If Karma wants to dismember the Chinese proles for what it’s leaders have done, why not also send the likes of me, to sexually assault America’s movie stars-to get back at George Bush for the invasion of Iraq? Makes perfect sense to me.

Who says misogyny can’t be a force for good!?!

Perhaps I am misinterpreting the sutures. After all, some of my best friends are Buddhists. But they are also ENGLISH. And the RAJ did some awful stuff in India. So it seems only right, that I should machine gun the lot of them in the willy, in vengeance for the Amritsar massacre, the execution of Mangal Pandey and, a bit more recently, the indignities heaped upon Shilpa Shetty. In fact, this horrific massacre of my Llama loving chums, could be interpreted as a noble attempt on the part of the people of England, to atone for the evil of Jade Goody.

It’s my duty, as an agent of Karma. Trouble is, what horrors will karma do, in turn, to ME for being so horrible? Seems Karma is a lot like the Godfather movies- the cycle of bloodletting never ends. Also, as regards reincarnation-

“just when I think I’m out of the cycle of life- they pull me back in!”

Oh and by the way. A lot has been said about the Dali Llama’s alleged homophobia this week. Well, he stumbled into ‘H20 Zone’ in Manchester’s Village this weekend. Apparently he mistook the gaggle of shaven headed men cuing up, for monks, and the popular cruising sauna for a temple of some kind.

Suffice to say that the his holiness has wiped the Karmic slate clean.

Well, that’s enough theology for one day.

Your humble servant of ‘god’,

the VAUDEVILLIAN.